Desperately Quiet

Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." If I had a nickle for everytime I have heard this quoted or read it written, I would be a very rich man. I sat in Church this evening and saw those words crawl across the bottom of the screen during a PowerPoint Presentation, and for some reason, I was struck. I couldn't shake the words, I couldn't focus on anything but these common, friendly words turned razor sharp dagger. I had to leave the sanctuary and come to my office to unpack it. I think that in the process, I have uncovered my problem, I have uncovered why I spend so much of my life on the spiritual antihistamine that I wrote about last. I live in quiet desperation.

The irony in this, is that the desperation is the good part. Most would argue that desperation is bad, weak, selfish... I would contend that we could all be a little more desperate. I take that back. I think we are all way more desperate than we let on, I think that we could all stand to be much less quiet about our desperation.

To date, my life has been marked by selfushness and slavery to every want of my flesh. I have the scars to prove it. I could write volumes on the pain and danger of selfishness. I would like to think that I have gotten past that. I would like to stand here today and tell you that I am desperate for life healing power of Christ to pour through the world and flood every single corner of the globe bringing hope, healing, power, forgiveness and restortation, and think that at the very core of my soul, I do want that and want it desperately. The problem is, there is a lot of flesh between my soul and my hands, and the desperation gets dilluted with each layer.

I am quietly desperate because I fear what desperation will look like to a cynical world. Ouch. It sounds worse spoken than it did floating about in my head. There is that selfishness again. What will others think of me if I am loudly desperate? What if I live a life of loud desperation, and the world around me thinks I am crazy? So I keep it quiet.

If there is hope for this generation, for Abby and Carson's generation and for generations beyond that, we have to be desperate to see the will of God lived out everyday, everywhere. We have to realize that self leads to death, and that in our own power, self is unavoidable. We have to get desperate for our Lord, for the Spirit controlled life. That's right, Spirit controlled. I know it isn't as neat a book title as the other of nearly the same name, but if I am Spirit filled and Aaron controlled, what good is that, right? We need to be desperate to hand over the reigns.

What does that look like? I can't tell you that 'cause I ain't you. I can tell you for me it means to pour my life into telling people, especially young people, that there is more. I can tell you that for me it means giving, meeting needs, loving, crying at injustice and death, loving sinners and hating the sin that kills them. For me, it looks like speaking out against the complaceny that is killing our faith and our friends along with it. For me it looks like screaming, not vocally, but with every step I take and every thing I do, that there is more, there is hope, there is Christ.

I hope that my desperation becomes much less quiet. I hope I can live by the words of another of my heros, "But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus--the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love." (Paul, Acts 20:24)

Rainy days and Antihistamines

I love the rain. I really do. I love everything about it. The mood it creates, the smell, the feel, the regenearation that takes place afterwards... the whole shooting match.

Today is tough. I am slightly under the weather, and then the rain... I am feeling somewhat useless, to be honest. I took an Antihistamine. I am feeling detached and lethargic.

So, it's not where I intended to go, but I also feel as though I have taken a spiritual Antihistamine. Passion is often hard to come by, focus is tough to conjure up, and hopelessness and unworthiness seem to mark my days. There are moments of passion, but they fizzle. Christianity is more than a feeling, but like I said on Sunday, if you leave the presence of Christ depressed, there is something wrong with you. Either you aren't living in the right direction, or you weren't really in the presence.

That's what I want. I want to live in the presence. I want to be always aware that God is here, God is good, God is strong, and God is moving. I want to live them like they are more than cliches. I want to live them like they are the very thing that keeps my heart beating and my lungs inflating and deflating.

I guess in the end, I don't want to feel useless anymore. I want to step out on the ledge, willing to take the plunge if that is what is asked. I want to make a difference. Not grand scheme Billy Graham, fill the stadium type impact, though I will do what the Lord asks, but I am talking one person, you made a difference in me type impact. I want my life to be a testament to the cliche.